Original Kids Incorporated Fan fiction: Blasted by the Past

It's not always easy being everyone's big sister...

Okay, so maybe that wasn't how things really were, but Renee sure felt that way more often than not. Maybe "Den Mother" was a better term. It wasn't as if she tried to tell everyone what to do - they just kept getting into trouble in front of her! Things would go much smoother if it wasn't for Ryan constantly trying to one-up her - although she would never admit that she liked arguing with him (or that he was occasionally right). What Renee never would have expected was that she was about to wish Ryan had been right after all.

It all began as innocently as any other personality clash. They were supposed to be deciding equally where to hold rehearsals while the garage was unavailable. Construction was taking place in the Magic Shoppe, and it wasn't safe to be underneath. Almost everyone seemed to be following Renee's lead until Ryan suddenly decided to mutiny.

"Why do you have to fight me on every point?" he was saying. Fight him?? He's the one going in the opposite direction! "This is why we never get anywhere."

"Well, I'm sorry I don't roll over and play dead every time you speak! I only suggested we could ask."

This is where it began to go sour. "Don't we spend enough time at school as it is?" said Ryan.

"If they're not using the school auditorium the majority of the time, it shouldn't bother anyone to let us use it." Renee insisted. She highlighted her points again. "It's big enough...it's got a stage!"

"The garage doesn't have a stage." As soon as Ryan said that, the other kids reacted as if they had just realized it, too.

"We don't really need a stage, Renee." Stacy said to her. She actually thought she was being helpful. "We can just imagine there's one." It took a great deal of strength for Renee not to roll her eyes.

"The school auditorium always smells like it's a locker room." The Kid complained.

"We'll clean it!"

Everyone groaned. "Who wants to work?" griped Richie.

"It'll just be more convenient for us if we keep to The P*lace until construction's over." Ryan said at last. "All the equipment's already here. You've got your stage..."

Now Renee could feel her eyeballs rolling. Her stage. Honestly! "Well, then you tell Riley." Fine! We'll make it all Ryan's idea - that way when it fails miserably, I'll be able to say I told him so!

Riley, of course, took the news well. "You guys are always welcome here if I have anything to say about it." he said. "In fact, the owner and I have been talking about opening up in the morning to give kids somewhere to hang out before school."

"I sure wouldn't mind having ice cream for breakfast!" giggled Connie.

"Breakfast," Riley echoed, "is what it's all about. Yeah, the owner found out his nieces and nephews weren't getting a good breakfast in their before-school program, so he convinced their parents he could provide a better one."

" 'He' meaning you." said Renee.

"Mmm...Corn Flake sundaes." Kid joked. Everyone laughed.

Riley pretended to hit The Kid with his dish towel. "I'll have you know that I make a pretty mean pancake."

"Ooh, with whipped cream on it!" Stacy exclaimed. Breakfast at The P*lace was sounding better and better.

"Hey, I said good breakfast."

"Now aren't you glad we decided to consolidate everything into one building?" Ryan asked Renee.

"No." she answered without missing a beat.

Opening The P*lace for breakfast was a success. Customers commented that they enjoyed starting out the day in a fun atmosphere before having to face their teachers. Kids Incorporated used the opportunity to set things up for their afternoon rehearsing and took advantage of leaving their belongings where they would later need them. Unfortunately, not having to travel had afforded them the privilege of slacking off.

That same afternoon, Richie was enjoying the opportunity to play a few rounds of video games when a boy completely decked out in metallic clothes walked into The P*lace as if it were a minefield. He carefully opened the door and entered, and just when it would have spanked him, he leapt away from it.

"Ha!" he exclaimed, jumping back around to face the door. "I have outsmarted you this time, Earth portal!" The door swung closed and smacked him in the face.

As if Ryan getting the credit wasn't infuriating enough, it ended up being left to Renee to do the grunt work. They were doing anything but rehearsing! She kept going back and forth from one truant band member to another, trying to alert them to the current time. Like they were doing anything constructive with it!

Connie wanted to eat her ice cream with a straw so she sat there fiddling with it like it was her last meal. Stacy suddenly had 20 best friends that needed to hear the same story over and over again individually, even though they were only standing about one foot from the last person, and had perfectly good ears.

"Ok, Mom!" she retorted when Renee attempted to interject.

And Richie? Oh, as if she needed a reason to be ornery with him! He had the audacity to be playing video games, of all things, with some weirdo friend of his. Well, she'd put a stop to that!

"Richie, what are you doing? We're supposed to be rehearsing! Now c'mon, you're making us late, and-" She stopped short as she got a good look at his companion. It wasn't Richie's weirdo friend - it was hers! "OH...MY..."

"Greetings!" Vong-From-Some-Planet-She-Couldn't-Remember-And-Didn't-Want-To said, and bowed. "The passing of time has altered your physical structure, but you appear to be the same Earthling."

"Ok...no...you're not here." Renee shook her head and began wringing her hands. "You're a hallucination, I've spent way too much time studying, and my eyes are just playing tricks on me... I'm just hallucinating!"

"This guy's been looking for you." said Richie. "He says he's from a whole 'nother galaxy, but if you ask me, I think he's exaggerating."

Renee whirled around to face him as all the color drained out of her face. "No, no, you can't see my hallucination, see, 'cause then it's not a hallucination, and that means I'm not going crazy - not that I want to go crazy, no, but I'd rather go crazy then go to some other planet!" she wailed. She began taking deep breaths, fanning her face frantically. "Okay. I'm okay. Really funny joke there, Richie - ha ha! But you know what? When I find out who put you up to this, they won't be laughing for a looong time!"

"Are you really an alien?" Richie asked Vong.

"Do I look like I come from this pathetic excuse for a planet?" Vong replied.

"Cool! Can you make antennae come out of your head?"

Vong shook his head. "I rest my case."

Renee covered her face with her hands and moaned, "Is there any way this day could possibly get any worse?"

"Ahem." Ryan had come up behind her. "You'll be happy to know that we've decided to rehearse now."

"I had to ask."

Ryan and Vong caught sight of one another. "Friend of yours?" asked Ryan.

"What? No! Of course not! Never saw him before in my life!" Renee giggled uncharacteristically, shaking her head.

Ryan just stared. "O-kay."

Fortunately, Vong had learned a thing or two about reverse psychology from his interplanetary studies. "On second thought, maybe you aren't the same Earthling I first made contact with." he said slyly. "She refused to cooperate without her...what was it...Sheepskein?"

"Springsteen." Renee corrected - then slapped a hand over her mouth as she realized her mistake. "...is what it sounds like he's trying to say! Not that I would know!"

"So this complete stranger who you've never seen before today that just so happens to know you," Ryan began, "What's his story?"

"He's an alien." said Richie.

"I think the word you're looking for is 'immigrant', Rich." Ryan scolded.

Renee sighed. "Vong didn't just cross the border, Ryan. He crossed the Milky Way."

For a moment, Ryan said nothing, just looked at all of them. Then he began applauding.

"Nice try, guys. This is a new one for you. I could see Richie dreaming up something like this, but frankly, Renee, I'm disappointed. I'd have expected something with a little more credibility from someone like you. "

"Does this look like something I would make up? I'm not joking!"

Ryan began to laugh. "You're still sore over that whole auditorium business. It's all right!" He punched Vong in the arm. "Listen, buddy, next time, paint yourself green." he joked, winking.

Vong looked down at his arm and back up to Ryan with a mixture of confusion and annoyance. "Green?" he echoed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you must've had a long trip." said Ryan. "Would you like to phone home? Can I take you to my leader?"

"Ryan, I really wouldn't make him angry if I were you!" Renee warned.

"Hey, you guys, c'mere!" Ryan called to Stacy and The Kid. "Check it out: It's an alien! Ooooh..." Stacy and Kid looked at each other, and then ducked behind the counter.

"Look out!" Kid peeked out from under the counter. "You'll be laughing from an invisible box!"

This only made Ryan laugh harder. "What, they have mimes in space now? What's next - leprechauns?" He was clearly enjoying himself. "This is even more far-fetched than the time you tried to convince me you were a princess! You should write for The Enquirer!"

"Oh, so I'm a liar, now?" said Renee angrily. She turned to Vong. "Go ahead," she said as she jerked her head in Ryan's direction, "spray him."

"Renee!" Stacy protested from her hiding place.

"Man, don't you watch Buck Rogers? Where's your klyxonian mega death ray?" joked Ryan. "No, don't tell me - you left it in your other space suit!"

Vong said nothing. He simply removed what looked like a can of spray paint from his belt and took the cap off. Stacy and The Kid ducked back down behind the counter. Renee took a few steps back and flung an arm out to encourage Richie to do the same.

"You Earthlings will never learn." Vong sighed, shaking his head.

Ryan crossed his arms and went into his professor mode. "Look, uh, Vong, this is all really entertaining, but you and I both know you're no extraterrestrial. NASA has absolutely no concrete evidence of past or present life forms on any other planet in this solar system. Crop circles and UFO sightings can be faked by anyone with a tractor and a remote-controlled blimp! And you look remarkably humanoid for an alien. The possibility of that happening is slim to none considering the atmospheric conditions of the planets and their moons. How is it you speak English, and not German or Vietnamese? Next time, do a little research before you try to fool people into thinking you're an..."

But Vong was nowhere in sight, and neither was anyone else, because Ryan found himself standing on the basketball court.

Connie had been bringing her ice cream dish back to the counter when she saw Ryan disappear as if he was never there. The dish fell from her hands as she blinked, rubbed her eyes, and stared in disbelief.

Vong consulted his wrist monitor. "He should be coming back riiight about..." The doors flung open and Ryan wandered in looking disoriented. "...now."

"How did you do that?" asked Ryan.

"Alien." Vong, Renee, Kid, and Stacy all said together.

Ryan chuckled nervously and ran a hand through his hair. "So, intelligent life from another planet exists...and it shows up at The P*lace? Do you realize what this means?"

"Yeah, I should have brought a sweater with me in case it gets cold in space." answered Renee. To Vong, she said, "It's gonna take a lot more than a few records to get you a hostage this time."

"Why can't you just bring home neon ashtrays like other tourists?" The Kid said sarcastically.

"Uh, you're losing me..." said Ryan, but no one seemed to hear.

"But you can't take Renee off of this planet!" Connie protested. "There's school tomorrow. Besides, how would she breathe?"

"That will not be a problem." Vong said sadly.

"Take Richie. He's already a space cadet." Renee said.

"I can't take Richie."

"Oh, what difference does it make who you take with you as long as you bring someone back?"

"Because I'm not bringing anyone back!" Vong shouted in a voice that stopped all conversation. "I may never return to my home planet again."

A forlorn Vong was a strange sight to Renee. It had never really occurred to any of them that despite being from such a technologically advanced planet, he was a kid, like them. She remembered the thoughts going through her mind when she'd reluctantly agreed to go home with Vong, and wondered if he had a little sister or brother somewhere.

Vong spent the rehearsal period irritating Riley at the counter by telling him how primitive all the appliances were, but his heart wasn't in it. When Kids Inc. pressed him for information, he looked to be on the verge of tears.

"Well," he began, "when I returned to my planet without the specimen I promised," he looked at Renee, and she shrugged. "My teacher wasn't so pleased. He expected a full-scale report on Earth, and I brought him zilch." He sighed. "The student who was matter-scrambled to Wgnoiplk actually returned with an entire nation!"

"Whoa!" said Richie.

"Eh. Wgnoiplkans are two centimeters tall. He put them in his pocket." explained Vong. "But I was in so much - to put it in Earth terms - hot water that the school principal had no choice but to do the unthinkable."

"Calling your parents?" asked Kid.

"They couldn't help me now. I'd shamed our whole planet. I've been...expelled."

"You got expelled from your entire planet?" Stacy said.

"Kind of makes detention seem like a slap on the wrist." Ryan joked.

"They said since I found Earth so interesting, I shouldn't mind spending the next century or two there." Vong rested his chin in his hands. "So that's what all your Earthling 'friends' and 'feelings' get you - nothing!"

"So, it's all Renee's fault you're stuck here." Richie realized. Everyone looked at Renee.

"Oh, thank you, Richie!" Renee tsk'ed at him. "How was I supposed to know he had nothing else in his report? Does anyone on any planet do their homework anymore?"

Everyone was still staring at her. They were sort of right...she did convince him to leave her behind, which led to him getting expelled...but why treat her like she turned him in herself?

I wish Hallmark made a card for this! "Uh...sorry about that." she said halfheartedly, patting Vong on the back.

"So, what does an Earthling do when they are down in the dumps?" asked Vong.

"Drown their sorrows in more sugar than the law allows." The Kid answered, and Riley presented Vong with a huge ice cream sundae.

Connie added, "It helps if you have someone to talk to about it."

Unfortunately, everyone had someone else in mind to play "someone". They all got up and left Vong by himself at the counter. Realizing this, they pushed and shoved Renee back.

"I don't want...no! Okay, stop, stop." Renee plunked herself down on a barstool and gave her friends the evil eye. "Can I have one too, Riley?"

"This substance is very cold, but I cannot stop eating it." said Vong, poking his sundae with the spoon in case it had thoughts of rearing up and attacking him.

"You'll fit right in here." Renee told him. "Vong, I know you're probably all confused and everything, but you can't be expelled forever. They're bound to send someone out here to come and get you when they think you've been punished enough."

"And in the meantime?" Vong glared at her. "I don't want to be stuck here on this planet any more than -"

"-than I wanted to be stuck on yours." finished Renee. "You'll never pass Science if you don't learn that lesson."

"What lesson could you possibly teach me?" Vong snapped.

Renee went to retort back, but laughed instead. "How to eat with a spoon, for one!" she said. He was holding it by the bowl and eating off of the handle. Renee took it off of him, turned it around, and handed it back.

Whatever patience Renee had toward Vong was short-lived. She was absolutely livid the next morning as she swept into The P*lace where Connie and the boys were having breakfast and slammed her books down on the table. This resulted in a scramble to get school supplies out of the way of spilled cereal and milk.

"Rough night?" asked The Kid.

Renee arched an eyebrow. "Rough doesn't even begin to cover it."

Ryan glanced over at the counter where Vong was marveling at the mechanics of the teaspoon. He filled it with cereal and milk, and then tipped it over, dribbling the contents everywhere but back into the bowl of cereal. "How's E.T. doing?" he said to Renee.

"You know, I can understand if they don't have doors in that Gweeb System..."

"Greeblax System!" Vong corrected.

"...but haven't they ever heard of privacy?" The table vibrated dangerously again as everyone got her meaning and began laughing.

"Mom's calling an exterminator," Stacy joined them, giggling, "'cause she thinks Renee's got really big spiders in her bedroom."

"Spiders I could handle." Renee retorted. "Found my range, though. That's always good to know."

Ryan had other uses in mind for Vong's method of travel. "Do you think I could borrow that, set it to the girls' locker room?" The boys snickered.

"Uh-uh. Nobody's spraying themselves into trouble." Renee quickly shot them down. "Gimme the can."

"But it's mine!" Vong protested. "I'm on a hostile alien planet and I need to defend myself! It took me three light years to get a permit for this, not to mention all the paperwork..."

"Vong...the can."

Vong took the can out of his belt and sighed longingly at it.

"Come on. Hand it over."

"Very well...but I'd better get that back!"

"If you're going to be on this planet, you have to play by our rules." Renee stood firm. "You'll get it back when you remember how to use it the right way."

Stacy's eyes bulged out of her head. "Renee!"

"What?"

"You sound like Dad."

Renee made a face and waved the spray can threateningly at her sister. "Be quiet."

"Where are you stashing Vong while you're at school?" Stacy asked instead. "He won't pass for a stuffed animal."

"He can't stay in the garage, either - since he challenged the lawn mower to a duel, and it refused." said Renee. "Maybe we can bribe Riley-"

Renee didn't get a chance to finish her sentence, because Vong put the cosmic kibosh on that plan. A jelly donut Riley had meticulously placed on display proved too tempting to resist, and Vong inadvertently squirted him in the face with jelly.

"I think Riley's seeing red right about now." The Kid observed, grinning.

Renee glanced upward. "I'm being punished for something, aren't I?" she asked no one in particular. She shook that thought away and continued. "Well, I'm not about to take him with me. We'll just have to lock him in the storeroom and hope he doesn't blow anything up."

"Wait!" Vong protested. "I want to see what an Earthling school looks like. It would be perfect for my report!"

"Absolutely not! You follow me to class, and I'll get expelled!"

"Then I will never leave here." Vong hung his head. "Eight planets in this solar system, and I had to pick this one."

"There are nine planets in this solar system." Ryan pointed out.

Vong snorted. "Typical Earthling ignorance."

"But that's what they teach us in school." said Connie.

"And that there's no life on other planets." Richie added.

"If you came to school with us, it'd drive you crazy." said The Kid.

But Vong would not be swayed that easily. "Look, I need to write a report on Earth good enough to blow everyone else out of the atmosphere. The only way I can do that is to live among you. Today...I am an Earthling!"

"Maybe we can loan him to the Drama department." Stacy suggested.

"Well, he does look the part." agreed Renee.

They were interrupted by Riley. "Ok, kids. Time for all good Earthlings to be in school. I've gotta pick something up for the owner, so I'll see you all this afternoon. C'mon, you don't wanna be late."

As they were leaving, a sudden thought seized Renee. Wide-eyed, she grabbed Riley's arm. "You're walking...right?"

"Uh, yeah."

Renee sighed dramatically. "Thank you."

Renee hadn't returned with the rest of the kids after school, so they immediately grilled Vong.

"We were attending her science class," he explained, "and she told me to return here because she'd had an idea. Then she took off like a comet." He sat down dejectedly. "And she has not returned my weapon."

"So, what did you think of Earthling school?" Ryan asked him.

"It is strangely similar to that of my planet." answered Vong. "In fact, now that I have been here for a while, I find that many things about our planets are alike. Perhaps I was wrong about Earth...and its people." He smiled.

Later, as Kids Inc tried to persuade Vong to spray them onto the stage for their next number (assuming he got his can back), a bright flash startled him and he leapt back defensively. "Put away your weapon! I am unarmed!"

"Calm down, silly! It's just a camera!" said Renee. She removed the picture and waved it around a little before handing it to Vong. "See? Instant Vong."

Vong gaped at it. "You've replicated me!" he cried, touching both the image and himself to make sure he was still in one piece.

"I can get everyone else, too. Watch." Renee quickly snapped a picture of the rest of the kids, and handed that to Vong as well. "Now you can take us all home with you!"

"Amazing!" Vong exclaimed. "Let me try!" He held the camera too close to Renee's face and pressed the button.

"Ow." Renee flinched. "You can back up a little farther than that."

When the picture was ejected from the camera, Vong mimicked the shaking motion he'd seen Renee do earlier.

"You know, you don't have to shake the picture to make it come out." Ryan just had to say. "Or blow on it, either. The entire process has already happened before the picture comes out of the camera. What were you studying in Science, the photographic effects of the sun? That makes sense. You can get the same effect from a strobe light; I think we have some backstage..."

Renee and Vong glanced at each other, and then at the spray can Renee was still carrying around with her.

"...although it's really not the image of whatever you're using, it's the negative space around it that..." Ryan continued to explain to the basketball hoop.

"You should come visit more often!" giggled Renee.

Vong took a picture of the basketball court and several other places home with him. They snapped shots of their homes, the mall, the school, cars, anything they used in their everyday lives. Renee even got a shot of Vong correctly using a spoon to eat a colossal sundae. Ryan did manage to impart one useful bit of information to them, and they ended up recording messages onto a small tape recorder for Vong to play along with the photographs.

"I'll have the best science project in class!" said Vong happily.

"Then you'll never have to come back again." added Richie. This made everyone sad suddenly.

"Unless you get your whole class interested in our planet." The Kid quickly said. "You know so much about Earth now, you'll have to be their tour guide!"

"Oh, hey, don't forget to mention your favorite "P*lace" to eat." said Riley. "We give group discounts."

"Since when?" Stacy asked him.

"I'd better contact the warp ship and let them know I've finally finished my project." Vong got out his forehead communicator.

"So soon?" asked Renee. Everyone stared at her in shock.

"Earth's a great planet, but I don't belong here." said Vong. "I know what it is like now to 'miss' something. My planet may not be much, but it's home, and no one should be taken from their home."

Renee handed Vong his spray can. "Unless they're visiting friends."

"I will succeed in bringing you with me one day." Vong teased Renee. "But for now...I don't think my planet is ready for you Earthlings just yet. We have a lot to learn!"

When the audience arrived for the show as usual, they were surprised and delighted to see Kids Incorporated suddenly materialize on stage. They were still talking about the "special effects" for weeks afterward. No one seemed to remember the musical number, but they would never forget the light show at the end. When one of Renee's classmates asked her why their special guest looked like he was an alien, Renee just laughed.

"Don't be silly - there's no such thing as aliens!"